The Escapeartist Speaks

The Cocooning

I'm sorry I didn't make it to the party to say the proper good bye. 
I'll be honest, I hate them. 

I felt like our last supper was a much better send off. Such a bittersweet pleasure to raise my glass in your honor and wish you well on your solo journey. I said I was excited for you, and still am. Regardless of your apprehension at moving on--I on the other side, am envious. Maybe even a bit jealous. You have so much to explore in the adventure ahead of you--the world is your oyster...

But in the interim my dear, chin up.  This uneasiness is a given. As a former 'worldgypsy' myself, know this comes from the heart...

You are in the thick of that foggy grey period--That adjustment phase when your former life clouds the brighter future. I have been here so many times even the unfamiliarity is familiar.  The aversion to your new surroundings, the nostalgia for where you just left, the natural tendency to question your intuition--it's just part of the process--The fog will clear along with your mindset and the future will be bright-

This is just the cocooning before the emergent butterfly.

Obviously you are missing him, probably more than ever right now,
but this will also will fade. Quicker when you decide that you are ready to move on and no longer consider returning to NYC an option. It doesn't need to be right now. Miami has this kind way of soothing you--with the sunshine and the ocean and the ease of just being. (OK-maybe a little less in hurricane season but this too shall pass!) Remember, you came there for a reason. Give yourself time to be reminded why. Listen to your intuition, even if it may be only whispering right now.

I know this is a sad time for you right now but it will indeed, fade.
Soon you will be on top of your world again--as you have always been the queen of your castle (and you know this). You are too strong a woman to hold onto something that isn't strong enough to hold you back.

Until then, navigate through the threshold on your own terms. EMBRACE that independent spirit. It's the very essence of what makes you so incredibly--
you.    

And back here, at your old home, rest assured whenever I see a bottle of Lillet,
I will smile to myself thinking of you.

And wonder what amazing adventure you are in the thick of--as it is in your nature to be completely engrossed in your passions.  You were never one to take life lightly. Never one to get too comfortable in the routine.  How could you NOT seek out greener pastures? There is too much of the world you haven't licked...
But you will.    

I will miss you, fellow gypsygirl.
But go alone now now and discover your pearl, 

Your oyster is waiting.

       

The Devil Made Me Do It

Little do you know,
I'm just as bad as you.

When I announced my engagement to my father over the phone, it went
own like this:

Me: I've got some great news!
Dad: What?
Me: Patrick and I are getting married!
Dad: (long uncomfortable pause)

Me: Isn't that great?!?

Dad: Well...sure...Do you have a lawyer?

Me: What?

Dad: Are you aware of the legal ramifications when harboring an alien?

Me: What are you talking about?

Dad: (lowered condescending voice) Christina... What you're doing is EXTREMELY risky.

Me: (pissed) Dad--I just told you I am getting married and you ask me if I am aware of the legal implications? Aren't you happy for me? I mean he's a great guy, and we love eachother, and at least he's not a total jerk like that guy Stephany's divorcing!

Dad: Well, have you REALLY thought this through?

Me: WHAT?! Are you kidding me? What the hell? You're supposed to be happy fro me!

Dad: (silence)

Me: Dad...(tears welling now) I gotta go--I Can't talk to you now...

And I tried to hang up on him but in this heightened state of frustration, had trouble finding the off button on my phone. So I was forced to listen to a lecture I did not want to hear. One that involved questioning the intentions of the engagement. Reinforcing fears and realities too dangerous for me to acknowledge. So rather than cut him off, I exploded like I never have before. And I, his (most responsible) daughter, but no less a mature woman with her own independent views and opinions, challenged him willfully:

Me: STOP!!!!
Just stop! Stop warning me of the risks and reminding me of the negatives. Stop being the Devil's Advocate. Did you ever consider maybe I know what I'm doing? That Patrick really loves me and would take good care of me and would be a good husband? Dad, you don't even know him! But if you did, you'd be happy for me right now because he's a good person...
Dad, he's just like you!

Dad: (silence)

Me: When are you going to stop projecting your own issues on to me?

Dad; What the hell are you talking about?

Me: (Screaming)
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE?

Dad: I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS LONG AS YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER GODDAMNIT!

Me: (pissed) Dad, you have your own opinion, but that dosen't make it the only opinion, and it sure as hell dosen't mean it's right for everyone. I'm an adult now. I can make my own decisions. Your judgements are so rigid--it's like I always disappoint you.
You're a total control freak--

Dad: Wait just a goddamn minute--!

Me: (interrupting) NO! You know how I know that? Because I'M A CONTROL FREAK.
You made me this way!

(calming down)

Hey, I get it Dad. I kow why you do it and it's not such a bad thing.
You just want everything to be perfect. You don't want anyone to get hurt or struggle or screw up. You worry because you love me and I know this...
But it's when when you start inflicting this control over other people because you think you know what's best, when things fall apart.
You set yourself up for constant disappointment . When you expect others to always act and adhere to your standards, you will always end up disappointed. You can do your best to live a perfect life, to control yourself and your surroundings--but don't expect everyone around you to do the same. If you do, you'll never be happy. You'll end up pushing everyone else away because they'll get tired of disappointing you!

Dad: (silence)

Me: (calmer now)
Listen. Even if this expectation is meant to benefit the ones you love--People are people dad. They will naturally end up doing it their way, no matter if it's the right way in your eyes. Once you accept this, you'll be a lot less worried. And the people you love will feel a lot closer to you for not being judged. It's a challenge, I know because I struggle with it myself--but I also know that acceptance far outweighs jugdgement when it comes to loving someone, and ultimately, wanting the best for them.

And for the 1st time in my life-- rather than debating and lecturing,
judging, or advising...rather than telling me "how life is", or "what
I need to realize...",
my dad just listened. And after a long, long pause--


Agreed.