The Luxury of Breathing

                                     

                                   I'm aware this is not what you signed up for.

I'm totally with you and I completely apologize.
I'm sorry that when this avalanche called my daily routine caved in that you were knocked down cause you were holding my hand.
You may be right, I have been neglectful, selfish with my time, a bad girlfriend.
I promise next time to be more considerate.
But right now the world outside has raped and ravaged and left me for the flies and frankly, I'm too tired for self preservation.

So if I leave you angry and hungry and yearning for more, I apologize in advance.
It's just that so many have sucked the marrow from my bones already--
I'm hollowed. And I'm sorry.
But at this point I don't have enough leftover for someone to take another piece, then tell me its my fault for not saving the biggest slice cause I'm fucking crumbs right now.

Your girl that's got it all under control, the one that gets shit done,
and makes it alright and gives and gives and gives--is suddenly spent.
And the view of the future from beneath this burden is clearly uncertain. Somehow all those happy endings once relied upon have crashed and burned and I'm left standing in the ashes of the aftermath--
of futures fallen in mid-flight.

But I do care. And you are special. And I do need you.
It's just that the world is really coming down on me right now
and I can only give so much. You call it selfish and I call it human
but maybe, just maybe, enjoying this day off was not in the cards.
But there is indeed, a method to this madness.
Wether or not you choose to accept it, there is a context to this scenario. Just please bare with me--Just grab hold and hang on tight because if you let go right now, it will surely be curtains for me.

And this is not an attempt to play on your sympathies--
But admitting to feeling a bit crowded is putting it mildly.
I feel the need to go there. To justify myself.
See, there are these few thousand distractions that keep pushing my boundaries inches from a breaking point of which , I assure you, is not a becoming side of my shining personality.
I know my absence is hard to take and my silences keep your heart unhinged, maybe even teetering on the brink of unwelcomed vulnerability, but this is not my intention.
And pardon me if I seem a bit preoccupied but I'm juggling daggers here. No--this is not an illusion.

On the surface the waters are placid.
Every now and again I'll allow for the occasional ripple to rise.
But these are really potential tidal waves carefully repressed.
Beneath these cool waters the undertow is deadly...and if I'm not careful, I'll get sucked below the surface and dragged through the jagged coral and no one would know the wiser.
I'm drowning here but never to the point of complete relinquishment.
That resilient set point my father instilled resuscitates me.
Just in time to catch my breath and prepare myself for the next tidal wave.
After all, someone needs to follow in his footsteps.

Then there's this separate issue of single-handedly overseeing thirty two employees on a shoestring budget that spreads even my talents thinner than clingwrap. And if acting as mother, teacher, cheerleader, dealmaker, newsbraker, negotiator, guru and translator to these people were not enough, I as the ultimate mediator, must translate their stresses to my phantom boss. The one who is barely there. That only exists in figments between "where's the money?" and smoke breaks. And back at the ranch the phone's ringing off the hook and my inbox is loaded and as of this very moment I have 37 unread messages to attend to. Low and behold, a text from you: "you alive?" I laugh to myself. "GOOD QUESTION." Then the midday madness returns and I barely have time look up much less indulge in the rubbery slice of coagulated cheese called lunch that grows cold between incessant requests for unnecessary help at my desk. 
The children are restless, pulling at my skirt, interrupting the conference call between father, banker and lawyer that will address my father's soon to be forgotten future. These days we need two sets of ears, so the daughter with her head screwed on straight is appointed the task of mediating his lifesavings and the fact that my little sister needs 35k for her new house wired to California by tomorrow and dad simply can't understand why. And must be convinced, yet again, that this is not a scam and that Jenny is no longer a hippie with dreadlocks, but indeed, has prepared like a good Greek daughter should and like me, knows what she is doing...

Dad's not against it. Really. He just doesn't remember ever saying yes.
We all know that posterial cortical atrophy can cause symptoms alarmingly similar to this other little problem we call Alzheimer's Disease and on that note, he's asking whatever happened to the Advanced Derivatives--       You know, those convenient little death directions you give your doctor while you're still living and coherent enough to instruct your loved ones how NOT keep your body alive if your brain is dead.
Yes, it is I, the chosen one, that has been granted the honors.
Leave it to the daughter with her head screwed on straight to take on he responsibility of assessing wether or not if my father's life is worth living because there WILL be a time, experts claim, that he will forget how to breathe.

And it bares repeating I'm not looking for sympathy here--
I mean, it would all be much worse if dad were coherent enough to comprehend the reality of the situation.
That his lifesavings he sacrificed for the sake of his offspring is dwindling along with his memory of what happened about 30 seconds ago...
As his favorite phrase "Wait, what were we just talking about?"
becomes a mantra. And we all laugh and so does he but inside we are all slowly dying.

Thankfully dad may have it slightly better because he doesn't recall the pain of forgetting. But the irony strikes those less fortunate like a boomerang. Blind-siding us.
The most dire reality that no matter how meticulously one plans, no matter how carefully one prepares, insures, shelters, scrimps, saves and sacrifices--futures have this way of falling in mid-flight-.
They crash and burn and spare no survivors.
And that utopian freedom that supposedly exists in early retirement is exchanged for the confines of ones own limitations:
The inability to read...to recognize a face...to lace a shoe...
to breathe.

No this was definitely not what we signed up for.
This erroneous countdown that mounts like a tidal wave before us.
That inevitable day when he forgets who we are.
So for the sake of his 3 daughters, his reasons to be, he worries. Constantly. Then passes his worry on to me, the daughter most like him--the sacrificial lamb.
Even if he forgets who I am, my mind will pick up where he left off.
This never ending responsibility, an inherited burden that I couldn't shake if I tried. This is his blood working through me.
And inevitably, the daughter he struggled so much to raise the right way,
the one with her head screwed on straight, will dutifully carry out his final wishes. She will be directed to assist in plans he devised in advance...
to end his very life.

So could we please move the conference call up to now, because in 5 minutes my boss will be back and he'll cast a silently disapproving glance and wonder why the hell I'm utilizing work time for my own personal pleasure. And he'll bid me his famous "enjoy your day off" with sarcastic intonation as he saunters out the door ending his day before most leave for lunch but I digress. 'Cause this dedication is really to you my love,
this one is about us. And the reasons why sometimes I may not always be there in spirit.

So here are my Advanced Derivatives:
Find solace in this heartbeat. Let this be evidence. Tangible proof.
The ultimate assurance that I am with you.
And even if my mind seems lost in a foreboding tidal wave of expectation--and even when the undertow nearly drowns me and I'm left weathered and hollowed and shaken--I may emerge less idillic, but no less your girl.
All I need is that gentle reminder that life is not something I cannot handle. That I'm strong and wise and good like that, and as always,
I will bounce back in my usual fashion. Deep I know these things.
But also remember, this strong woman that's got it all under control,
is no less a daughter afraid of loosing her dad. And on days like this, sometimes even the girl with her head screwed on straight
needs a shoulder to cry on.
To be reminded to breathe,
because not everyone, my love...
has this luxury.

Comments

[Drooo]

Sometimes utter collapses are the best way to a clear a foundation for rebuilding.

Chin up.

Thank you for your writing. They are one of the few slender rays of hope some of us have while navigating through very dark days.

~Drooo

[Julie]

This is the nicest blog I've read.

[KEroL's]

WORD!!

[Zhanyu]

I noticed that intelligent people are generally unhappier.
And that if you think too much it hurts.
You have beautiful writing,
but reading it makes my head hurt.

[Richard]

I don't mean to be rude... but this is my opinion. He says you're selfish, you say it's human, I say its excuses. don't feel so down... you're NOT alone, no matter how real the solitude may seem to you. Be strong. At least, take it as a consolation that there are so many more people out there suffering more compared to you. But you have my emphathy, because I'm in love too and I know how much it can hurt... take care...

[Michael]

I know what you mean by the waves underneath. I'm in Japan now, my autistic son is with my ex-wife in the US, my current wife wants to stay here, but I need to return. My mother died this past October, and now there is no one to appreciate the pictures taken at the mountainside shrine, or the 3 acre rose garden, or the hot spring bath overlooking the Seto Sea. I hope we can maintain our inertia...peace to you.

[sweetrei]

You have the greatest blog I have ever seen so far. Your writings are worth reading for and the photos are the best. You're such a genius. Keep it up.

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow; we must fall in order to succeed; we must lose in order to gain; we must cry in order clear our visions. Some lessons are learned best through pain."

[Raj]

i read your blog and found it awsomely depressing to the point where i had to crank up a pink floyd album and lose myself Gilmore's timeless depressive state. and as i'm typin this with one broken finger so u must imagine how many times i keep hittin the backspace key ( wow i wish there was a backspace key in life) the part that keeps stickin in my head is about advanced directives and that fact that 2 weeks ago, i had to fill em out for my pop. he came up to me and handed me the papers and was like what should i do so i told him and was then reminded about my own mortiality and decided i wanted to the go to the clearing at the end of the path the best way....with no regrets. i really have no idea why i'm typing this, but just thought u might wanna know...

[Kelly]

Can I ever relate to what you are saying. You have a talent at writing out your thoughts; and getting your point across.

Thanks for sharing.

Kelly

[Kara]

I find myself waiting in great anticipation for your posts. I think I check your blog 3 to 4 times a week...
Very powerful.

[Lisa]

i love your words, i feel what you are writing, but can't write like this about my feelings.

[John Rainier]

Hang in there. When u get through all these, u'll just find yourself amazed how strong you've been. SOmeday, someday my dear, you'll just smile upon remembering having gone through this. And must say this: God cares!

[Ali]

Your blog is absolutely beautiful, painful, raw and wonderful.
I look out for your post pretty often and this time the images moved me to leave a comment.
Thank you for sharing, I say its all fleeting illusions...

[weStiN]

Thanks for sharing. You inspire.

[Algernon]

Discovered your blog today and really enjoyed your writing. I hope you are able to come back and update regularly...

[ackheill]

just wanna share with you!
Matthew 27:59-66, Matthew 28:1-10

God didn't move the stones so that Christ could go out...

He did it so that Mary and Mary could get it.

God still cares...

[Jj]

moving. i think i'll be writing again.

[nanda]

i think you have to be responsible of lengthen my daily activities,,,
Checj your blog more often, waiting your new post...

[sabrina anne]

Love your writing!

[Stef]

...i really like your work. sad and hopeful.
which is strangely appealing!

[Katherine]

i figured i didn't want to leave a comment just like everyone else, but in the end, it was your work that i was going to comment on anyhow. a little part in me believes not, cause i know that in reality, it's always the person behind his or her work and how he or she is able to completely indulge in all the positivities and negativities that life has to offer and turn it into neutrality.

[Mabel]

really an artist.i like how you weave your words.you absolutely know what you feel and think and its quite rare among billions of people including me to deeply dissect life's experiences. write more.

[Elizabeth]

The people from wealthymen___dot___com are big fans of your posts, and they asked me to read your entries! It's good that you're releasing yourself through words. And you should always have your head up! Whenever things go hard, you should always carry on with your partner! Good luck!

[Chi]

one of the few excellent blogs i've read so far...keep on going...cheers!

http://filipino_kiwi.blogs.friendster.com/

[Ruark]

This is a blog where writings form images...
Images emmit sensations...
Sensations which serves
as a haven for people who
want to feel the blade
slit through the tender skin.
These people are mostly
shining and brilliant during the day but feels pain greatly.

Nice Blog... Sadness needs to be felt sometimes... You're a happy person when with your budz... Express negative energies thru blogs... GB

[Claire]

That was beautifully written. I wish i could express myself like that.

[-k]

You are an amazing writer

[Robelen]

Beautiful blog!

[Princess]

Very impressive writing. I'm currently going through some of your feelings expressed here. I have faith that it will be better. Slow deep breathes. Ahhhhhh...

[Marco]

One of the greatest gifts I've received in life was the ability to return the favor of care to my Grandmother on her death bed. Life came full circle... as she took care of me when I was young and helpless to act on my own, so I had a chance to thank her in the best way possible... to return the favour.

"A tree is heavy at the root, light at the top. Its leaves sense the slightest movement of the wind and invariably move before the trunk can be swayed. Its branches bend before they break. When they do break, Life Force is immediately transferred to the remaining limbs."

[Von ReQuIEm]

T_T

You blew me away

[Tintin]

reading this entry was almost like reading into my own life. love the last lines... "And on days like this, sometimes even the girl with her head screwed on straight needs a shoulder to cry on. To be reminded to breathe, because not everyone, my love... has this luxury." you practically took the words out of my mouth...one word...amazing!

[riz's pieces]

you a have very beautiful gift. i kinda share what you're going through.. love the last part.. sure not everyone has that luxury.. God bless you!

[Chytchua]

you have a great gift in captivating readers...=)

[Joshuå]

"futures have this way of falling in mid-flight" this phrase in particular resonates with me.

You're brilliant. I was assaulted and left for dead on the LA subway (yes, we have one!) and, while I can't say I know what this experience is to you, I can say I know the pressure of pretending I'm there for everyone and making them believe it, while my own internal world is falling apart.

I am certain that in time you will conquer many greater struggles in this and your fortitude will be that of a diamond. The greatest people to exist never had easy lives. You're (un?)fortunately one of those amazing people.